Voisser - Recent Voisses and Replies in Adulthood & Life Lessons

Replied: What areas of other people's lives do you judge for being mediocre? What areas of your life are mediocre?

Mon, 15 Aug 2022 19:59:45 +0000

I guess that is one of the fine things about you here - your openness. In many ways, it sort of brings one's honest part to fore. Loads said here, interesting and very much on point. Several things happen in life that make us re-evaluate so much and ask ourselves questions, even about things we once held sacred. So-called mediocre traits can easily become strengths and qualities that propel people to greater heights... And even if it doesn't, what does it matter?

Dear Introvert Halima, even as you move forward understanding life in new dimensions, I hope that we have finer stories to tell. Greetings!

Replied: What is your favourite daydream?

Tue, 09 Aug 2022 15:14:59 +0000

On very many days, it is to be able to sleep well at night without any worry. To be able to tick off all I set to do and have more than enough compensation, fulfilment and peace.

Replied: What's a time you had so many reasons to fall apart but you didn't? Who or what held you together?

Tue, 09 Aug 2022 12:51:07 +0000

Wow! That's so much but I can relate on many levels. I am sorry that you had so much happening but I am glad that you are healing. I guess that is what matters the most.

There was a period we had a succession of deaths that left us shaken. People falling, people who were permanent features in our lives. It was shattering. Eventually, it was time for my dad and he answered. Then, five days after his burial, my mom's elder brother - omo! Warrahell! I could not stay at home alone. I would feel as if there were spirits or something around or that someone would come to pick me. It wasn't funny o. But I survived that period, mainly through the mercies of God. And yes, family. The holiday period was lonely but when I got back to school, boarding house, the harshness and brutality of the period reset my brain.

Having said that moi-moi own, let me put my proper one... 2011. May. My second father, the first man I called dad in my life was assassinated. See ehn, there's nothing as bad as that. He was travelling and was like 30 minutes away from home when he was waylaid and the circumstances around that assassination remains a mystery. I cried like an idiot and ran to the morgue first thing the next morning when they brought him back from the place he had been kept. I saw a smile on his face and that gave me comfort. I struggled in the coming months through travelling and stuff. I also reconnected with a beloved friend who I kinda grew strong feelings for. I wanted to ask her out but had to travel, and decided to do so on my return, based on traditional guy. Omo, by the time I came back, my cousin had come into my picture. Let me just hook the story there because the tori bin continue...on bad notes.

How did I cope? Family, I guess. Friends. Mentors. Who were always ready to listen, to share their own experiences and encourage me in many ways. No judgment, no too much talk or competition on issues happening. Just them saying, they understand. And they feel my pain. Then telling me that these things happen. But I would be fine.

I healed and looking back, I realise that if I didn't get through those experiences, I would not be half the man I am today. Many times, to become the finest jewel, we have to go through certain fires.

May we always find healing and strength. Bless you, Halima. Bless you.

Replied: What are some of the best books that changed your life?

Mon, 11 Jul 2022 19:01:38 +0000

10 Books that Changed My Life (There are a lot more but these are the ones that come to mind! They are not in any particular order.)

Asking the right questions by M. Neil Browne
Critical thinking: I read this book in 2017. It forced me to see my assumption and hindsights in having great discussions or contributing to significant dialogues. I also learned about fallacies and how not to be easily swindled with other peoples words.

Marital Advise to My Grandson, Joel by Peter Davidson
Marriage: This book is partially a memoir with humorous ways to keep a lasting marriage and as the author describes - "how to be a husband your wife won't throw out of the window in the middle of the night." It is engaging and simple.

The Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey
Finance: Dave Ramsey broke down wealth and ownership into simple steps that if you pay attention and take action, it no longer seems unattainable. This book isn't only about finance but mind-set change.

Knots by R.D. Liang
Poetry: For some reason, this was one of the first poetry books I read that made something click inside my head. The book is old and I knew about it though a Psychology professor - Rafael Mendez that simplified life and navigating adulthood into 4Ps play, pretend, perform, and philosophize. R.D. Laing's book did that masterfully.

The Year of Magical Thinking, by Joan Didion
Grief: There are several books I could recommend about grief and loss. I read this much later after recovering from two years of losses close to me and I felt seen. When I came to a place of accepting that I wouldn't know all the answers to my questions about life, I wanted to read a book that reflected a person who passed through grief madly and also gracefully. Joan Didion's memoir is one I'll cherish.

Touching the Rock by John Hull
Disabilities: Too many times, I have heard this question, “If you knew today would be your last, what would you spend it doing?” So, when Hull wrote about how he read with a magnifying glass in the final days of his sight, I couldn’t help but think, “If I knew today would be the last with my sight, what would I use it to experience?” At first, I thought it would be to see my loved ones, but the series of thought-provoking experiences he shared left me undecided. I could barely contain my thoughts from trying to choose between seeing my face while touching it to remembering its details, reading my favorite book, walking down the street to hoard the memory of my way back home, and looking at my house to remember where things are, and more. It was ironic and equally wonderful to experience a blind man show people a unique perspective to life through his own loss.

Man in Search of Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl
Meaning of Life: Many people have been at that point where they just ask themselves - what's the point of life? Why should I wake up and try when I could just choose to fight? What makes a person like Viktor who experienced the horrors of concentration camps desire to live and see another day? This book may not answer all your questions about why life is worth fighting for. However, when you read the experience of someone who has been through one of the most dehumanizing life-experiences that will make you wonder where God is, still seek life and desire some spirituality, you will have a different mindset about your own circumstances.

When Breath Becomes Air by Paul Kalanithi
Supporting others with life-ending diagnosis: I read this book when one of my mentors had to nurse her only daughter who was my age mate to death. If you want to look at another relatable example, think Chadwick Boseman at the peak of his career. Experiences like these make you question God and why bad things happen at the wrong time to good people. Paul Kalanithi was almost at the height of his career finishing a decade’s worth of training as a neurosurgeon when he was diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer. This book talks about how with the support of his wife and community, he transitioned. It also allows you to learn the value of life beyond work and the pursuit of money.

Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell
Attaining Success: If you think your success in life is based on your hard work, this book will make you think twice. Ecclesiastes 9:11 ESV says, "Again I saw that under the sun the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, nor bread to the wise, nor riches to the intelligent, nor favor to those with knowledge, but time and chance happen to them all." Malcolm Gladwell analyzes several factors within or outside our control that lead to success. If you enjoy this book, I'll recommend David and Goliath by Malcolm Gladwell; also, The Tipping Point.

The 48 Laws of Power by Robert Greene
Power: It is funny because I will quote Jordan Peterson here. "You should be a monster.⁣ Everyone says, 'Well, you should be harmless, virtuous, you shouldn’t do anyone any harm, you should sheath your competitive instinct. You shouldn’t try to win. You don’t want to be too aggressive. You don’t want to be too assertive.' No. Wrong. You should be a monster, an absolute monster, and then you should learn how to control it.⁣ It’s better to be a warrior in a garden than a gardener in a war.” This book reveals the power tactics used to control relationships and who it benefits. While I will hope the fear of God in anyone would make them act right and not use the information maliciously against others, I opens your eyes to see that the world is not all milk and honey. It is a capitalist pot that everyone is trying to get a share from.

Replied: If everyone is unique, isn't everyone special?

Fri, 30 Apr 2021 13:17:32 +0000

Everyone is unique, no doubt about that, but 'unique' and 'special' are not synonyms, and uniqueness is not always valuable. A lame horse among ten able horses is unique, but is it valuable?

There is a Yoruba proverb; A child always thinks his father's farm is the biggest around till he sees the farm of some other person's father. It's natural for us to amplify our value, but the market always dictates the price. Everyone thinks their jewellery is really valuable, till they take it to a pawn shop.

'Special' is a comparative word that measures value. It suggests there is a ranking, a pecking order or a scale. And if there is a scale, you better agree some people are at the top, at the middle and at the bottom of it. We live in an hierarchical society. It's why we have performance grades in school and pay grades at work. It's why we have titles in our communities and ' special guests of honour' at ceremonies. We make decisions every day, we judge, interact with, hire, fire, date, marry people based on their perceivable value.

Saying everyone is special is like saying everyone is 'the best'. If everyone is the best, then nobody is the best.

So how do you become special? It's by acquiring skills, competences and resources. It's by performing excellently and increasing your measurable value. It's by doing something and doing it really well.

Can and will everyone do this? No! And that's why some people are special and some are not. You are special not because you THINK you are, it's because you SHOW you are.

What's one strong opinion you had but you've changed your mind about?

Fri, 23 Apr 2021 22:23:56 +0000

Replied: What’s one genuinely ‘it’s-not-what-you-think situation’ you have been in?

Fri, 23 Apr 2021 21:21:55 +0000

The Danger of a Single Story

I am a writer and I enjoy writing creative (non)fiction pieces from journalistic or news material. As a feminist, I tend to re-write women's stories from popular media and make it more personal to the audience who will read my work. Recently, I gained admission to graduate school for an MFA in creative writing nonfiction and some of the writing samples I submitted for my application was about sexual assault and rape - not my experience but somewhat a rewrite of popular news stories. There was even one awful piece titled father - about a father who raped his daughter and who attended a church where one of the pastors was a rapist too (in light of recent allegations against a prominent church leader in Nigeria).

I didn't notice the repercussion of my stories so soon. ‍But wait for it...

The first school I gained admission to put me in the memoir group of nonfiction without even asking me. When I spoke the director of the second school's program - he began our conversation by expressing gratitude that "I am such a vulnerable writer..." I didn't read meaning to it then because this isn't the first time I'll hear such compliment. It was until I met with a professor from the third school who wanted to tell me more about their program to convince me that it is a great choice. Similarly, she began by admiring my piece dropped the bombshell when she said, "there was such deep vulnerability in writing that story about your father..."

If shook can be shocked, that was me! There were several ravaging thoughts in my head like "What have I done to my father? The nonfiction piece is not what you think!"

I really wish I put a disclaimer on that piece to say that although it is a creative non-fiction, it is not my story.

When has someone you respected done something that shocked and disappointed you?

Fri, 23 Apr 2021 08:24:14 +0000

What's your biggest regret?

Thu, 22 Apr 2021 10:14:09 +0000

Replied: How did you deal with an embarrassing false accusation and what lessons did you learn from the experience?

Wed, 21 Apr 2021 08:03:31 +0000

I'll share a personal story, although I wasn't the victim of the false accusation. I still lived in Nigeria with my parents when it happened. I was 10 years old.

One afternoon, I had accompanied our neighbour’s daughter, her brother, and their house help, on an errand to a nearby sawmill, to get wood dust. She was my age mate, the brother was about 8, and the house help must have been about 19 years old.

One of the four men working at the mill told us we could have all the wood dust we wanted, but forbade us from touching their planks. As soon as he turned his back, the house girl began to stealthily stuff planks into her sack.
The men soon noticed and came charging angrily towards us. One of them grabbed her sack, and began to unload the planks she had stolen, as the others told us off hotly. Then the strangest thing my ten-year old eyes had ever seen happened.

The house help had transformed, from the sweet, friendly person who led us to the mill, to a stranger; a yelping, shockingly convincing stranger actress, flailing distressfully, as she screamed in Yoruba, towards the street; "Help me! Help me! These sick men are fondling my breasts!"

It was surreal. I remember reeling back in shock, as my little brain tried to grasp the drama unfolding before my eyes. I was ten but I could understand that we were the ones in the wrong. So why was she tearfully accusing the kind men of wrongdoing? And why were they suddenly overcome with dread, and acting like the accusations were true, instead of vehemently scolding her? Instead, they stepped back and pleaded for her to stop screaming, asking us to take all the wood we wanted and leave.

For a few years after, that experience haunted and confused me. Why was such an accusation so powerful and effective on those men? Why did they refuse to confront their accuser, and allowed her to get away scot-free?

The more I thought about the event, and as I grew older, two thing became clear to me; that was not the first time that the house help had used that trick to get something she wanted. And she is not the only woman in the world, who had realised how false accusations of sexual assault can be used as a powerful weapon against men.